UMBRELLAS
CHARACTERS
A
B
Umbrellas was first presented as part of the revue You, Me and the Gatepost, performed for one night only at the Nottingham Playhouse on 27 June 1960.
Two gentlemen in deckchairs on the terrace of a large hotel. Wearing shorts and sunglasses. Sunbathing. They do not move throughout the exchange.
A
The weather's too much for me today.
Pause.
B
Well, you're damn lucky you've got your umbrella.
A
I'm never without it, old boy.
Pause.
B
I think I'd do well to follow your example.
A
Yes, you would. Means the world to me. I never find myself at a loss. You understand what I mean?
B
You're a shrewd fellow, I'll say that for you.
Pause.
A
My house is full of umbrellas.
B
You can't have too many.
A
You've never said a truer word, old boy.
Pause.
B
I haven't got one to bless myself with.
Pause.
A
Well, I can foresee a time you'll regret it.
B
I think the time's come, old boy.
A
You can't be too careful, old boy.
Pause.
B
Well, you've got your feet firmly planted on the earth, there's no doubt about that.
Pause.
A
I certainly feel secure, old boy.
B
Yes, you know where you stand, all right. You can't take that away from you.
Pause.
A
You'll find they're a true friend to you, umbrellas.
Pause.
Maybe I'll buy one.
Pause.
A
Don't come to me. It would be like tearing my heart out, to part with any of mine.
Pause.
B
You find them handy, eh?
Pause.
A
Yes … Oh, yes. When it's raining, particularly.
Blackout.
GOD'S DISTRICT
God's District was first presented as part of the revue Then Again at the Lyric Hammersmith in March 1997, directed by Neil Bartlett. It was performed by Dawn French.
WOMAN
I'm here in Putney to save souls. And let me tell you something. I haven't met one soul in Putney that doesn't need saving, that isn't crying out to be saved. And that goes for Shepherd's Bush also and also for that vast ruined hinterland of nothingness just to the left of Wandsworth Bridge, facing south. So my district may seem to you a pretty big district. Well, it is a big district. It's God's district. And that's the biggest district there is.
I was born and raised in North Carolina and I'm proud of it. But I'm a happy woman today because yesterday someone took me to a place called Hammersmith. Well, I took one quick look at Hammersmith and I could see straight away that nobody and I mean nobody and I mean not one soul, needed saving in Hammersmith. People were walking around Hammersmith with great big smiles on their faces and those smiles were the smiles of salvation. So one of my brethren has clearly been here before me and I feel true joy in that fact.
I think London is going to be easy. Brazil was another story. Brazil was bad. All these Indians had all these savage rituals, blowing pipes all day and night, that kind of thing, singing songs to their dead, driving everybody crazy. All these pipe-blowing rituals – we couldn't get a wink of honest sleep. Also there was a lot of sex going on, freewheeling sex, young girls walking about stark naked, just because their great-grandmothers did the same thing and their great-grandmothers before them. And as for the boys! So what kind of tradition is that? Nudity? What kind of tradition is that? Well, we had to be quite strict, pretty firm, quite stern, but we taught them true faith in the end, all right. No more pipe-blowing, thank you very much. No more pipe-blowing of any kind. Anyway I don't anticipate any such problems in Putney, and – as I said – Hammersmith is clean.
But I want to make one thing very clear. Nothing I've said should lead you to believe that God was (or is) American. He wasn't (and isn't). He was (and is) some kind of Greek or something. But Jesus was definitely born in North Carolina.
I want to feel your love, your love, your love, I want to feel your love, I want to feel your love. Give it to me. Come on. Give it to me. I said give it to me.
APART FROM THAT
CHARACTERS
GENE
LAKE
Apart from That was first performed by Harold Pinter and Antonia Fraser at The Inner Temple, London, at a charity event in aid of Patrick Pakenham Scholarships for young ex-offenders, on 11 May 2006. The sketch was broadcast on BBC Radio 3 on 12 May 2006.
Two people talking on mobile phones,
GENE
How are you?
LAKE
Very well. And you? Are you well?
GENE
I'm terribly well. How about you?
LAKE
Really well. I'm really well.
GENE
I'm so glad.
LAKE
Apart from … oh you know …
GENE
I know.
LAKE
Apart from … oh you know …
GENE
I do know. But apart from that …?
LAKE
How about you?
GENE
Oh you know … all things considered …
LAKE
I know. But apart from that …?
Silence.
GENE
Sorry. I've lost you.
LAKE
What do you mean?
GENE
I lost you.
LAKE
No you didn't. I'm right here. Where I was.
GENE
Anyway, where were we?
LAKE
Sorry?
Pause.
GENE
I mean apart from all that, how are you really?
LAKE
Terribly well.
GENE
Well you certainly sound well.
LAKE
I am. Apart from … oh you know …
GENE
Yes. I know.
LAKE
But you're well anyway.
GENE
I'm wonderfully well, to be honest.
LAKE
I'm really glad.
GENE
Apart from … you know …
LAKE
But apart from that?
Silence.
GENE
What?
LAKE
Apart from that, how are you really? Apart from that?
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