HARRY, a man in his forties Griffith Jones
JAMES, a man in his thirties Anthony Bate
STELLA, a woman in her thirties Vivien Merchant
BILL, a man in his late twenties John Ronane
Directed by Joan Kemp-Welch
The play was first presented on the stage at the Aldwych Theatre on 18 June 1962, with the following cast:
HARRY Michael Hordern
JAMES Kenneth Haigh
STELLA Barbara Murray
BILL John Ronane
Directed by Peter Hall and Harold Pinter
AUTUMN
The stage is divided into three areas, two peninsulas and a promontory. Each area is distinct and separate from the other.
Stage left, HARRY'S house in Belgravia. Elegant décor. Period furnishing. This set comprises the living-room, hall, front door and staircase to first floor. Kitchen exit below staircase.
Stage right, JAMES'S flat in Chelsea. Tasteful contemporary furnishing. This set comprises the living-room only. Offstage right, other rooms and front door.
Upstage centre on promontory, telephone box.
THE COLLECTION
The telephone box is lit in a half light. A figure can be dimly observed inside it, with his back to the audience. The rest of the stage is dark. In the house the telephone is ringing. It is late at night.
Night light in house fades up. Street fades up.
HARRY approaches the house, opens the front door and goes in. He switches on a light in the hall, goes into the living-room, walks to the telephone and lifts it.
HARRY. Hullo.
VOICE. Is that you, Bill?
HARRY. No, he's in bed. Who's this?
VOICE. In bed?
HARRY. Who is this?
VOICE. What's he doing in bed?
Pause.
HARRY. Do you know it's four o'clock in the morning?
VOICE. Well, give him a nudge. Tell him I want a word with him. (Pause.)
HARRY. Who is this?
VOICE. Go and wake him up, there's a good boy. (Pause.)
HARRY. Are you a friend of his?
VOICE He'll know me when he sees me.
HARRY. Oh yes?
Pause.
VOICE. Aren't you going to wake him?
HARRY. No, I'm not.
Pause.
VOICE. Tell him I'll be in touch.
The telephone cuts off. HARRY replaces the receiver and stands still. The figure leaves the telephone box. HARRY walks slowly into the hall and up the stairs.
Fade to blackout.
Fade up on flat. It is morning.
JAMES, smoking, enters and sits on the sofa.
STELLA enters from a bedroom fixing a bracelet on her wrist.
She goes to the cabinet, takes a perfume atomizer from her handbag and uses it on her throat and hands. She puts the atomizer into her bag and begins to put her gloves on.
STELLA. I'm going.
Pause.
Aren't you coming in today?
Pause.
JAMES. No.
STELLA. You had to meet those people from …
Pause. She slowly walks to an armchair, picks up her jacket and puts it on.
You had to meet those people about that order. Shall I phone them when I get to the shop?
JAMES. You could do … yes.
STELLA. What are you going to do?
He looks at her, with a brief smile, then away.
Jimmy …
Pause.
Are you going out?
Pause.
Will you … be in tonight?
JAMES reaches for a glass ashtray, flicks ash, and regards the ashtray. STELLA turns and leaves the room. The front door slams. JAMES continues regarding the ashtray.
Fade to half light.
Fade up on house. Morning.
BILL brings on a tray from the kitchen and places it on the table, arranges it, pours tea, sits, picks up a newspaper, reads, drinks. HARRY, in a dressing-gown, descends the stairs, trips, stumbles.
BILL (turning). What have you done?
HARRY. I tripped on that stair rod!
He comes into the room.
BILL. All right.
HARRY. It's that stair rod. I thought you said you were going to fix it.
BILL. I did fix it.
HARRY. Well, you didn't fix it very well.
He sits, holding his head.
Ooh.
BILL pours tea for him.
In the flat, JAMES stubs his cigarette and goes out. The lights in the flat fade out.
HARRY sips the tea, then puts the cup down.
Where's my fruit juice? I haven't had my fruit juice.
BILL regards the fruit juice on the tray.
What's it doing over there?
BILL gives it to him. HARRY sips it.
What's this? Pineapple?
BILL. Grapefruit.
Pause.
HARRY. I'm sick and tired of that stair rod. Why don't you screw it in or something? You're supposed … you're supposed to be able to use your hands.
Pause.
BILL. What time did you get in?
HARRY. Four.
BILL. Good party?
Pause.
HARRY. You didn't make any toast this morning
BILL. No. Do you want some?
HARRY. No. I don't.
BILL. I can if you like.
HARRY. It's all right. Don't bother.
Pause.
How are you spending your day today?
BILL. Go and see a film, I think.
HARRY. Wonderful life you lead. (Pause.) Do you know some maniac telephoned you last night?
BILL looks at him.
Just as I got in. Four o'clock. Walked in the door and the telephone was ringing.
BILL. Who was it?
HARRY. I've no idea.
BILL. What did he want?
HARRY. You. He was shy, wouldn't tell me his name.
BILL. Huh.
Pause.
HARRY. Who could it have been?
BILL. I've no idea.
HARRY. He was very insistent. Said he was going to get in touch again. (Pause.) Who the hell was it?
BILL. I've just said … I haven't the remotest idea.
Pause.
HARRY. Did you meet anyone last week?
BILL. Meet anyone? What do you mean?
HARRY. I mean could it have been anyone you met? You must have met lots of people.
BILL. I didn't speak to a soul.
HARRY. Must have been miserable for you.
BILL. I was only there one night, wasn't I? Some more?
HARRY. No, thank you.
BILL pours tea for himself.
The telephone box fades up to half light, disclosing a figure entering it.
I must shave.
HARRY sits, looking at BILL, who is reading the paper After a moment BILL looks up.
BILL. Mmnnn?
Silence. HARRY stands, leaves the room and exits up the stairs, treading carefully over the stair rod. BILL reads the paper. The telephone rings.
BILL lifts the receiver.
Hullo.
VOICE. Is that you, Bill?
BILL. Yes?
VOICE. Are you in?
BILL. Who's this?
VOICE. Don't move. I'll be straight round.
BILL. What do you mean? Who is this?
VOICE. About two minutes. All right?
BILL. You can't do that. I've got some people here.
VOICE. Never mind. We can go into another room.
BILL. This is ridiculous. Do I know you?
VOICE. You'll know me when you see me.
BILL. Do you know me?
VOICE. Just stay where you are. I'll be right round.
BILL. But what do you want, who –? You can't do that. I'm going straight out. I won't be in.
VOICE. See you.
The phone cuts off. BILL replaces the receiver.
The lights on the telephone box fade as the figure comes out and exits left.
BILL puts on his jacket, goes into the hall, puts on his overcoat, swift but not hurried, opens the front door, and goes out.
He exits up right. HARRY'S voice from upstairs.
HARRY. Bill, was that you?
He appears at the head of the stairs.
Bill!
He goes downstairs, into the living-room, stands, observes the tray, and takes the tray into the kitchen.
JAMES comes from up left in the street and looks at the house.
HARRY comes out of the kitchen, goes into the hall and up the stairs.
JAMES rings the bell.
HARRY comes down the stairs and opens the door.
Yes?
JAMES. I'm looking for Bill Lloyd.
HARRY. He's out. Can I help?
JAMES. When will he be in?
HARRY. I can't say. Does he know you?
JAMES. I'll try some other time then.
HARRY. Well, perhaps you'd like to leave your name. I can tell him when I see him.
JAMES. No, that's all right. Just tell him I called
HARRY. Tell him who called?
JAMES. Sorry to bother you.
HARRY. Just a minute, (JAMES turns back.) You're not the man who telephoned last night, are you?
JAMES. Last night?
HARRY. You didn't telephone early this morning?
JAMES. No … sorry …
HARRY. Well, what do you want?
JAMES. I'm looking for Bill.
HARRY. You didn't by any chance telephone just now?
JAMES. I think you've got the wrong man.
HARRY. I think you have.
JAMES. I don't think you know anything about it.
JAMES turns and goes. HARRY stands watching him.
Fade to blackout.
Fade up moonlight in flat.
The front door closes, in flat.
STELLA comes in, stands, switches on a lamp. She turns in the direction of the other rooms.
STELLA. Jimmy?
Silence.
She takes her gloves off, puts her handbag down, and is still. She goes to the record player, and puts on a record. It is 'Charlie Parker'. She listens, then exists to the bedroom. Fade up house. Night.
BILL enters the living-room from the kitchen with magazines. He throws them in the hearth, goes to the drinks table and pours a drink, then lies on the floor with a drink by the hearth, flicking through a magazine. STELLA comes back into the room with a white Persian kitten. She lies back on the sofa, nuzzling it. HARRY comes downstairs, glances in at BILL, exits and walks down the street to up right, JAMES appears at the front door of the house from up left, looks after
HARRY, and rings the bell. BILL stands, and goes to the door.
Fade flat to half light and music out.
BILL. Yes?
JAMES. Bill Lloyd?
BILL. Yes?
JAMES. Oh, I'd … I'd like to have a word with you.
Pause.
BILL. I'm sorry, I don't think I know you?
JAMES. Don't you?
BILL. No.
JAMBS. Well, there's something I'd like to talk to you about
BILL. I'm terribly sorry, I'm busy.
JAMES. It won't take long.
BILL. I'm awfully sorry. Perhaps you'd like to put it down on paper and send it to me.
JAMES. That's not possible.
Pause.
BILL (closing door). Do forgive me –
JAMES (foot in door). Look. I want to speak to you.
Pause.
BILL. Did you phone me today?
JAMES. That's right. I called, but you'd gone out.
BILL. You called here? I didn't know that.
JAMES. I think I'd better come in, don't you?
BILL. You can't just barge into someone's house like this, you know. What do you want?
JAMES. Why don't you stop wasting your time and let me in?
BILL. I could call the police.
JAMES. Not worth it.
They stare at each other.
BILL. All right.
JAMES goes in. BILL closes the door. JAMES goes through the hall and into the living-room. BILL follows. JAMES looks about the room.
JAMBS. Got any olives?
BILL. How did you know my name?
JAMES. No olives?
BILL. Olives? I'm afraid not.
JAMES. You mean to say you don't keep olives for your guests?
BILL. You're not my guest, you're an intruder. What can I do for you?
JAMES. Do you mind if I sit down?
BILL. Yes, I do.
JAMES. You'll get over it.
JAMES sits, BILL stands, JAMES stands, takes off his overcoat, throws it on an armchair, and sits again.
BILL. What's your name, old boy?
JAMES reaches to a bowl of fruit and breaks off a grape, which he eats.
JAMES. Where shall I put the pips?
BILL. In your wallet.
JAMES takes out his wallet and deposits the pips. He regards BILL.
JAMES. You're not a bad-looking bloke.
BILL. Oh, thanks.
JAMES. You're not a film star, but you're quite tolerable looking, I suppose.
BILL. That's more than I can say for you.
JAMES. I'm not interested in what you can say for me.
BILL. To put it quite bluntly, old chap, I'm even less interested than you are. Now look, come on please, what do you want?
JAMES stands, walks to the drinks table and stares at the bottles. In the flat, STELLA rises with the kitten and goes off slowly, nuzzling it. The flat fades to blackout. JAMES pours himself a whisky.
Cheers.
JAMES. Did you have a good time in Leeds last week?
BILL. What?
JAMES. Did you have a good time in Leeds last week?
BILL. Leeds?
JAMES. Did you enjoy yourself?
BILL. What makes you think I was in Leeds.
JAMES. Tell me all about it. See much of the town? Get out to the country at all?
BILL. What are you talking about?
Pause.
JAMES (with fatigue). Aaah. You were down there for the dress collection. You took some of your models.
BILL. Did I?
JAMES. You stayed at the Westbury Hotel.
BILL. Oh?
JAMES. Room 142.
BILL. 142? Oh. Was it comfortable?
JAMES. Comfortable enough.
BILL. Oh, good.
JAMES. Well, you had your yellow pyjamas with you.
BILL. Did I really? What, the ones with the black initials?
JAMES. Yes, you had them on you in 165.
BILL. In what?
JAMES. 165.
BILL. 165? I thought I was in 142.
JAMES. You booked into 142. But you didn't stay there.
BILL. Well, that's a bit silly, isn't it? Booking a room and not staying in it?
JAMES. 165 is just along the passage to 142; you're not far away.
BILL. Oh well, that's a relief.
JAMES. You could easily nip back to shave.
BILL. From 165?
JAMES. Yes.
BILL. What was I doing there?
JAMES (casually). My wife was in there. That's where you slept with her.
Silence.
BILL. Well… who told you that?
JAMES. She did.
BILL. You should have her seen to.
JAMES. Be careful.
BILL. Mmmm? Who is your wife?
JAMES. You know her.
BILL. I don't think so.
JAMES. No?
BILL. No, I don't think so at all.
JAMES. I see.
BILL. I was nowhere near Leeds last week, old chap. Nowhere near your wife either, I'm quite sure of that. Apart from that, I … just don't do such things. Not in my book.
Pause.
I wouldn't dream of it. Well, I think that closes that subject, don't you?
JAMES. Come here. I want to tell you something.
BILL. I'm expecting guests in a minute, you know. Cocktails,
I'm standing for Parliament next season.
JAMES. Come here.
BILL. I'm going to be Minister for Home Affairs.
JAMES moves to him.
JAMES (confidentially). When you treat my wife like a whore, then I think I'm entitled to know what you've got to say about it.
BILL. But I don't know your wife.
JAMES. You do. You met her at ten o'clock last Friday in the lounge. You fell into conversation, you bought her a couple of drinks, you went upstairs together in the lift. In the lift you never took your eyes from her, you found you were both on the same floor, you helped her out, by her arm. You stood with her in the corridor, looking at her. You touched her shoulder, said good night, went to your room, she went to hers, you changed into your yellow pyjamas and black dressing-gown, you went down the passage and knocked on her door, you'd left your toothpaste in town. She opened the door, you went in, she was still dressed. You admired the room, it was so feminine, you felt awake, didn't feel like sleeping, you sat down, on the bed. She wanted you to go, you wouldn't. She became upset, you sympathized, away from home, on a business trip, horrible life, especially for a woman, you comforted her, you gave her solace, you stayed.
Pause.
BILL. Look, do you mind … just going off now. You're giving me a bit of a headache.
JAMES. You knew she was married … why did you feel it necessary … to do that?
BILL. She must have known she was married, too. Why did she feel it necessary … to do that?
Pause.
(With a chuckle.) That's got you, hasn't it?
Pause.
Well, look, it's really just a lot of rubbish. You know that.
BILL goes to the cigarette box and lights a cigarette.
Is she supposed to have resisted me at all?
JAMES. A little.
BILL. Only a little?
JAMES. Yes.
BILL. Do you believe her?
JAMES. Yes.
BILL. Everything she says?
JAMES. Sure.
BILL. Did she bite at all?
JAMES. NO.
BILL. Scratch?
JAMES. A little.
BILL. You've got a devoted wife, haven't you? Keeps you well informed, right up to the minutest detail. She scratched a little, did she? Where? (Holds up a hand.) On the hand? No scar. No scar anywhere. Absolutely unscarred. We can go before a commissioner of oaths, if you like. I'll strip, show you my unscarred body. Yes, what we need is an independent witness. You got any chambermaids on your side or anything?
JAMES applauds briefly.
JAMES. You're a wag, aren't you? I never thought you'd be such a wag. You've really got a sense of fun. You know what I'd call you?
BILL. What?
JAMES. A wag.
BILL. Oh, thanks very much.
JAMES. No, I'm glad to pay a compliment when a compliment's due. What about a drink?
BILL. That's good of you.
JAMES. What will you have?
BILL. Got any vodka?
JAMES. Let's see. Yes, I think we can find you some vodka.
BILL. Oh, scrumptious.
JAMES. Say that again.
BILL. What?
JAMES. That word.
BILL. What, scrumptious?
JAMES. That's it.
BILL. Scrumptious.
JAMES. Marvellous. You probably remember that from school, don't you?
BILL. Now that you mention it I think you might be right.
JAMES. I thought I was. Here's your vodka.
BILL. That's very generous of you.
JAMES. Not at all. Cheers. (They drink.)
BILL. Cheers.
JAMES. Eh, come here.
BILL. What?
JAMES. I bet you're a wow at parties.
BILL. Well, it's nice of you to say so, but I wouldn't say I was all that much of a wow.
JAMES. Go on, I bet you are. (Pause.)
BILL. You think I'm a wow, do you?
JAMES. At parties I should think you are.
BILL. No, I'm not much of a wow really. The bloke I share this house with is, though.
JAMES. Oh, I met him. Looked a jolly kind of chap.
BILL. Yes, he's very good at parties. Bit of a conjurer.
JAMES. What, rabbits?
BILL. Well, not so much rabbits, no.
JAMES. No rabbits?
BILL. No. He doesn't like rabbits, actually. They give him hay fever.
JAMES. Poor chap.
BILL. Yes, it's a pity.
JAMES. Seen a doctor about it?
BILL. Oh, he's had it since he was that high.
JAMES. Brought up in the country, I suppose?
BILL. In a manner of speaking, yes.
Pause.
Ah well, it's been very nice meeting you, old chap. You must come again when the weather's better.
JAMES makes a sudden move forward. BILL starts back, and falls over a pouffe on to the floor. JAMES chuckles.
Pause.
You've made me spill my drink. You've made me spill it on my cardigan.
JAMES stands aver him.
I could easily kick you from here.
Pause.
Are you going to let me get up?
Pause.
Are you going to let me get up?
Pause.
Now listen … I'll tell you what…
Pause.
If you let me get up ..
Pause.
I'm not very comfortable.
Pause.
If you let me get up … I'll … I'll tell you … the truth …
Pause.
JAMES. Tell me the truth from there.
BILL. No. No, when I'm up.
JAMES. Tell me from there.
Pause.
BILL. Oh well. I'm only telling you because I'm utterly bored … The truth … is that it never happened … what you said, anyway. I didn't know she was married. She never told me. Never said a word. But nothing of that… happened, I can assure you. All that happened was … you were right, actually, about going up in the lift … we … got out of the lift, and then suddenly she was in my arms. Really wasn't my fault, nothing was further from my mind, biggest surprise of my life, must have found me terribly attractive quite suddenly, I don't know … but I … I didn't refuse. Anyway, we just kissed a bit, only a few minutes, by the lift, no one about, and that was that – she went to her room.
He props himself up on the pouffe.
The rest of it just didn't happen. I mean, I wouldn't do that sort of thing. I mean, that sort of thing … it's just meaningless. I can understand that you're upset, of course, but honestly, there was nothing else to it. Just a few kisses. (BILL rises, wiping his cardigan.) I'm dreadfully sorry, really, I mean, I've no idea why she should make up all that. Pure fantasy. Really rather naughty of her. Rather alarming. (Pause.) Do you know her well?
JAMES. And then about midnight you went into her private bathroom and had a bath. You sang 'Coming through the Rye'. You used her bath towel. Then you walked about the room with her bath towel, pretending you were a Roman.
BILL. Did I?
JAMES. Then I phoned.
Pause.
I spoke to her. Asked her how she was. She said she was all right. Her voice was a little low. I asked her to speak up. She didn't have much to say. You were sitting on the bed, next to her.
Silence.
BILL. Not sitting. Lying.
Blackout.
Church bells.
Full light up on both the flat and the house.
Sunday morning.
JAMES is sitting alone in the living-room of the flat, reading the paper. HARRY and BILL are sitting in the living-room of the house, coffee before them. BILL is reading the paper.
HARRY is watching him.
Silence.
Church bells.
Silence.
HARRY. Put that paper down.
BILL. What?
HARRY. Put it down.
BILL. Why?
HARRY. You've read it.
BILL. No, I haven't. There's lots to read, you know.
HARRY. I told you to put it down.
BILL looks at him, throws the paper at him coolly and rises.
HARRY picks it up and reads.
BILL. Oh, you just wanted it yourself, did you?
HARRY. Want it? I don't want it.
HARRY crumples the paper deliberately and drops it.
I don't want it. Do you want it?
BILL. You're being a little erratic this morning, aren't you?
HARRY. Am I?
BILL. I would say you were.
HARRY. Well, you know what it is, don't you?
BILL. No.
HARRY. It's the church bells. You know how church bells always set me off. You know how they affect me.
BILL. I never hear them.
HARRY. You're not the sort of person who would, are you?
BILL. I'm finding all this faintly idiotic.
BILL bends to pick up the paper.
HARRY. Don't touch that paper.
BILL. Why not?
HARRY. Don't touch it
BILL stares at him and then slowly picks it up.
Silence.
He tosses it to HARRY.
BILL. You have it. I don't want it.
BILL goes out and up the stairs. HARRY opens the paper and reads it.
In the flat, STELLA comes in with a tray of coffee and biscuits. She places the tray on the coffee-table and passes a cup to JAMES. She sips.
STELLA. Would you like a biscuit?
JAMES. No, thank you.
Pause.
STELLA. I'm going to have one.
JAMES. You'll get fat.
STELLA. From biscuits?
JAMES. You don't want to get fat, do you?
STELLA. Why not?
JAMES. Perhaps you do.
STELLA. It's not one of my aims.
JAMES. What is your aim?
Pause.
I'd like an olive.
STELLA. Olive? We haven't got any.
JAMES. How do you know?
STELLA. I know.
JAMES. Have you looked?
STELLA. I don't need to look, do I? I know what I've got.
JAMES. You know what you've got?
Pause.
Why haven't we got any olives?
STELLA. I didn't know you liked them.
JAMES. That must be the reason why we've never had them in the house. You've simply never been interested enough in olives to ask whether I liked them or not.
The telephone rings in the house. HARRY puts the paper down and goes to it. BILL comes down the stairs. They stop, facing each other, momentarily. HARRY lifts the receiver. BILL walks into the room, picks up the paper and sits.
HARRY. Hullo. What? No. Wrong number. (Replaces receiver.)
Wrong number. Who do you think it was?
BILL. I didn't think.
HARRY. Oh, by the way, a chap called for you yesterday.
BILL. Oh yes?
HARRY. Just after you'd gone out.
BILL. Oh yes?
HARRY. Ah well, time for the joint. Roast or chips?
BILL. I don't want any potatoes, thank you.
HARRY. No potatoes? What an extraordinary thing. Yes, this chap, he was asking for you, he wanted you.
BILL. What for?
HARRY. He wanted to know if you ever cleaned your shoes with furniture polish.
BILL. Really? How odd.
HARRY. Not odd. Some kind of national survey.
BILL. What did he look like?
HARRY. Oh … lemon hair, nigger brown teeth, wooden leg, bottlegreen eyes and a toupee. Know him?
BILL. Never met him.
HARRY. You'd know him if you saw him.
BILL. I doubt it.
HARRY. What, a man who looked like that?
BILL. Plenty of men look like that.
HARRY. That's true. That's very true. The only thing is that this particular man was here last night.
BILL. Was he? I didn't see him.
HARRY. Oh yes, he was here, but I've got a funny feeling he wore a mask. It was the same man, but he wore a mask, that's all there is to it. He didn't dance here last night, did he, or do any gymnastics?
BILL. No one danced here last night.
HARRY. Aah. Well, that's why you didn't notice his wooden leg. I couldn't help seeing it myself when he came to the front door because he stood on the top step stark naked. Didn't seem very cold, though. He had a waterbottle under his arm instead of a hat.
BILL. Those church bells have certainly left their mark on you.
HARRY. They haven't helped, but the fact of the matter is, old chap, that I don't like strangers coming into my house without an invitation. (Pause.) Who is this man and what does he want?
Pause. BILL rises.
BILL. Will you excuse me? I really think it's about time I was dressed, don't you?
BILL goes up the stairs.
HARRY, after a momenty turns and follows. He slowly ascends the stairs.
Fade to blackout on house.
In the flat JAMES is still reading the paper. STELLA is sitting silently.
Silence.
STELLA. What do you think about going for a run today … in the country?
Pause. JAMES puts the paper down.
JAMES. I've come to a decision.
STELLA. What?
JAMES. I'm going to go and see him.
STELLA. See him? Who? (Pause.) What for?
JAMES. Oh … have a chat with him.
STELLA. What's the point of doing that?
JAMES. I feel I'd like to.
STELLA. I just don't see … what there is to be gained.
What's the point of it?
Pause.
What are you going to do, hit him?
JAMES. No, no. I'd just like to hear what he's got to say.
STELLA. Why?
JAMES. I want to know what his attitude is.
Pause.
STELLA. He doesn't matter.
JAMES. What do you mean?
STELLA. He's not important.
JAMES. Do you mean anyone would have done? You mean it just happened to be him, but it might as well have been anyone?
STELLA. No.
JAMES. What then?
STELLA. Of course it couldn't have been anyone. It was him.
It was just… something …
JAMES. That's what I mean. It was him. That's why I think he's worth having a look at. I want to see what he's like It'll be instructive, educational
Pause.
STELLA. Please don't go and see him. You don't know where he lives, anyway.
JAMES. You don't think I should see him?
STELLA. It won't… make you feel any better.
JAMES. I want to see if he's changed.
STELLA. What do you mean?
JAMES. I want to see if he's changed from when I last saw him. He may have gone down the drain since I last saw him. I must say he looked in good shape, though.
STELLA. You've never seen him.
Pause.
You don't know him.
Pause.
You don't know where he lives?
Pause.
When did you see him?
JAMES. We had dinner together last night
STELLA. What?
JAMES. Splendid host.
STELLA. I don't believe it.
JAMES. Ever been to his place?
Pause.
Rather nice. Ever been there?
STELLA. I met him in Leeds, that's all.
JAMES. Oh, is that all. Well, we'll have to go round there one night. The grub's good, I can't deny it. I found him quite charming.
Pause.
He remembered the occasion well. He was perfectly frank. You know, a man's man. Straight from the shoulder. He entirely confirmed your story.
STELLA. Did he?
JAMES. Mmm. Only thing … he rather implied that you led him on. Typical masculine thing to say, of course.
STELLA. That's a lie.
JAMES. You know what men are. I reminded him that you'd resisted, and you'd hated the whole thing, but that you'd been – how can we say – somehow hypnotized by him, it happens sometimes. He agreed it can happen sometimes. He told me he'd been hypnotized once by a cat. Wouldn't go into any more details, though. Still, I must admit we rather hit it off. We've got the same interests. He was most amusing over the brandy.
STELLA. I'm not interested.
JAMES. In fact, he was most amusing over the whole thing.
STELLA. Was he?
JAMES. But especially over the brandy. He's got the right attitude, you see. As a man, I can only admire it.
STELLA. What is his attitude?
JAMES. What's your attitude?
STELLA. I don't know what you're … I just don't know what you're … I just… hoped you'd understand …
She cavers her face, crying.
JAMES. Well, I do understand, but only after meeting him. Now I'm perfectly happy. I can see it both ways, three ways, all ways … every way. It's perfectly clear, there's nothing to it, everything's back to normal. The only difference is that I've come across a man I can respect. It isn't often you can do that, that that happens, and really I suppose I've got you to thank.
He bends forward and pats her arm.
Thanks.
Pause.
He reminds me of a bloke I went to school with. Hawkins. Honestly, he reminded me of Hawkins. Hawkins was an opera fan, too. So's what's-his-name. I'm a bit of an opera fan myself. Always kept it a dead secret. I might go along with your bloke to the opera one night. He says he can always get free seats. He knows quite a few of that crowd. Maybe I can track old Hawkins down and take him along, too. He's a very cultivated bloke, your bloke, quite a considerable intelligence at work there, I thought. He's got a collection of Chinese pots stuck on a wall, must have cost at least fifteen hundred a piece. Well, you can't help noticing that sort of thing. I mean, you couldn't say he wasn't a man of taste. He's brimming over with it. Well, I suppose he must have struck you the same way. No, really, I think I should thank you, rather than anything else. After two years of marriage it looks as though, by accident, you've opened up a whole new world for me.
Fade to blackout.
Fade up house. Night.
BILL comes in from the kitchen with a tray of olives, cheese, crisps, and a transistor radio, playing Vivaldi, very quietly.
He puts the tray on the table, arranges the cushions and eats a crisp. JAMES appears at the front door and rings the bell.
BILL goes to the door, opens it, amd JAMES comes in. In the hall he helps JAMES off with his coat.
JAMES comes into the room, BILL follows. JAMES notices the tray with the olives, and smiles. BILL smiles. JAMES goes up to the Chinese vases and examines them. BILL pours drinks. In the flat the telephone rings.
Fade up on flat. Night.
Fade up half light on telephone box.
A figure can be dimly seen in the telephone box. STELLA enters from the bedroom, holding the kitten. She goes to the telephone. BILL gives JAMES a glass. They drink.
STELLA. Hullo.
HARRY. Is that you, James?
STELLA. What? No, it isn't. Who's this?
HARRY. Where's James?
STELLA. He's out.
HARRY. Out? Oh, well, all right. I'll be straight round.
STELLA. What are you talking about? Who are you?
HARRY. Don't go out.
The telephone cuts off. STELLA replaces the receiver and sits upright with the kitten on the chair.
Fade to half light on flat.
Fade telephone box.
JAMES. You know something? You remind me of a chap I knew once. Hawkins. Yes. He was quite a tall lad.
BILL. Tall, was he?
JAMES. Yes.
BILL. Now why should I remind you of him?
JAMES. He was quite a card. (Pause.)
BILL. Tall, was he?
JAMES. That's … what he was.
BILL. Well, you're not short.
JAMES. I'm not tall.
BILL. Quite broad.
JAMES. That doesn't make me tall.
BILL. I never said it did.
JAMES. Well, what are you saying?
BILL. Nothing. (Pause.)
JAMES. I wouldn't exactly say I was broad, either.
BILL. Well, you only see yourself in the mirror, don't you?
JAMES. That's good enough for me.
BILL. They're deceptive.
JAMES. Mirrors?
BILL. Very.
JAMES. Have you got one?
BILL. What?
JAMES. A mirror.
BILL. There's one right in front of you.
JAMES. So there is.
JAMES looks into the mirror.
Come here. You look in it, too.
BILL stands by him and looks. They look together, and then JAMES goes to the left of the mirror, and looks again at BILL'S reflection.
I don't think mirrors are deceptive.
JAMES sits. BILL smiles, and turns up the radio. They sit listening.
Fade to half light on house and radio out.
Fade up full on flat.
Doorbell.
STELLA rises and goes off to the front door. The voices are heard off.
STELLA. Yes?
HARRY. How do you do. My name's Harry Kane. I wonder if I might have a word with you. There's no need to be alarmed. May I come in?
STELLA. Yes.
HARRY (entering). In here?
STELLA. Yes.
They come into the room.
HARRY. What a beautiful lamp.
STELLA. What can I do for you?
HARRY. Do you know Bill Lloyd?
STELLA. No.
HARRY. Oh, you don't?
STELLA. No.
HARRY. You don't know him personally?
STELLA. I don't, no.
HARRY. I found him in a slum, you know, by accident. Just happened to be in a slum one day and there he was. I realized he had talent straight away. I gave him a roof, gave him a job, and he came up trumps. We've been close friends for years.
STELLA. Oh yes?
HARRY. You know of him, of course, don't you, by repute? He's a dress designer.
STELLA. I know of him.
HARRY. You're both dress designers.
STELLA. Yes.
HARRY. You don't belong to the Rags and Bags Club, do you?
STELLA. The what?
HARRY. The Rags and Bags Club. I thought I might have seen you down there.
STELLA. No, I don't know it.
HARRY. Shame. You'd like it.
Pause.
Yes.
Pause.
I've come about your husband.
STELLA. Oh?
HARRY. Yes. He's been bothering Bill recently, with some fantastic story.
STELLA. I know about it. I'm very sorry.
HARRY. Oh, you know? Well, it's really been rather disturbing. I mean, the boy has his work to get on with. This sort of thing spoils his concentration.
STELLA. I'm sorry. It's … very unfortunate.
HARRY. It is.
Pause.
STELLA. I can't understand it … We've been happily married for two years, you see. I've … been away before, you know … showing dresses, here and there, my husband runs the business. But it's never happened before.
HARRY. What hasn't?
STELLA. Well, that my husband has suddenly dreamed up such a fantastic story, for no reason at all.
HARRY. That's what I said it was. I said it was a fantastic story.
STELLA. It is.
HARRY. That's what I said and that's what Bill says. We both think it's a fantastic story.
STELLA. I mean, Mr. Lloyd was in Leeds, but I hardly saw him, even though we were staying in the same hotel. I never met him or spoke to him … and then my husband suddenly accused me of … it's really been very distressing.
HARRY. Yes. What do you think the answer is? Do you think your husband … doesn't trust you, or something?
STELLA. Of course he does – he's just not been very well lately, actually … overwork.
HARRY. That's bad. Still, you know what it's like in our business. Why don't you take him on a long holiday? South of France.
STELLA. Yes. I'm very sorry that Mr. Lloyd has had to put up with all this, anyway.
HARRY. Oh, what a beautiful kitten, what a really beautiful kitten. Kitty, kitty, kitty, what do you call her, come here, kitty, kitty.
HARRY sits next to STELLA and proceeds to pet and nuzzle the kitten.
Fade flat to half light.
Fade up full on house.
BILL and JAMES, with drinks in the same position.
Music comes up. BILL turns off the radio.
Music out.
BILL. Hungry?
JAMES. No.
BILL. Biscuit?
JAMES. I'm not hungry.
BILL. I've got some olives.
JAMES. Really?
BILL. Like one?
JAMES. No, thanks.
BILL. Why not?
JAMES. I don't like them.
Pause.
BILL. Don't like olives?
Pause.
What on earth have you got against olives?
Pause.
JAMES. I detest them.
BILL. Really?
JAMES. It's the smell I hate.
Pause.
BILL. Cheese? I've got a splendid cheese knife.
He picks up a cheese knife.
Look. Don't you think it's splendid?
JAMES. Is it sharp?
BILL. Try it. Hold the blade. It won't cut you. Not if you handle it properly. Not if you grasp it firmly up to the hilt.
JAMES does not touch the knife.
BILL stands holding it.
Lights in house remain.
Fade up flat to full
HARRY (standing). Well, good-bye, I'm glad we've had our little chat.
STELLA. Yes.
HARRY. It's all quite dear now.
STELLA. I'm glad.
They move to the door.
HARRY. Oh, Mr. Lloyd asked me if I would give you his best wishes … and sympathies.
He goes out. She stands still.
Good-bye.
The front door closes. STELLA lies on the sofa with the kitten. She rests her heady is still.
Fade flat to half light.
BILL. What are you frightened of?
JAMES (moving away). What's that?
BILL. What?
JAMES. I thought it was thunder.
BILL (to him). Why are you frightened of holding this blade?
JAMES. I'm not frightened. I was just thinking of the thunder last week, when you and my wife were in Leeds.
BILL. Oh, not again, surely? I thought we'd left all that behind. Surely we have? You're not still worried about that, are you?
JAMES. Oh no. Just nostalgia, that's all.
BILL. Surely the wound heals when you know the truth, doesn't it? I mean, when the truth is verified? I would have thought it did.
JAMES. Of course.
BILL. What's there left to think about? It's a thing regretted, never to be repeated. No past, no future. Do you see what I mean? You're a chap who's been married for two years, aren't you happily? There's a bond of iron between you and your wife. It can't be corroded by a trivial thing like this. I've apologized, she's apologized. Honestly, what more can you want?
Pause. JAMES looks at him. BILL smiles. HARRY appears at the front door, opens and closes it quietly, and remains in the hall, unnoticed by the others.
JAMES. Nothing.
BILL. Every woman is bound to have an outburst of … wild sensuality at one time or another. That's the way I look at it, anyway. It's part of their nature. Even though it may be the kind of sensuality of which you yourself have never been the fortunate recipient. What? (He laughs.) That is a husband's fate, I suppose. Mind you, I think it's the system that's at fault, not you. Perhaps she'll never need to do it again, who knows.
JAMES stands, goes to the fruit bowl, and picks up the fruit knife. He runs his finger along the blade.
JAMES. This is fairly sharp.
BILL. What do you mean?
JAMES. Come on.
BILL. I beg your pardon?
JAMES. Come on. You've got that one. I've got this one.
BILL. What about it?
JAMES. I get a bit tired of words sometimes, don't you? Let's have a game. For fun.
BILL. What sort of game?
JAMES. Let's have a mock duel.
BILL. I don't want a mock duel, thank you.
JAMES. Of course you do. Come on. First one who's touched is a sissy.
BILL. This is all rather unsubtle, don't you think?
JAMES. Not in the least. Come on, into first position.
BILL. I thought we were friends.
JAMES. Of course we're friends. What on earth's the matter with you? I'm not going to kill you. It's just a game, that's all. We're playing a game. You're not windy, are you?
BILL. I think it's silly.
JAMES. I say, you're a bit of a spoilsport, aren't you?
BILL. I'm putting my knife down anyway.
JAMES. Well, I'll pick it up.
JAMES does so and faces him with two knives.
BILL. Now you've got two.
JAMES. I've got another one in my hip pocket.
Pause.
BILL. What do you do, swallow them?
JAMES. Do you?
Pause. They stare at each other.
(Suddenly.) Go on! Swallow it!
JAMES throws a knife at BILL'S face, BILL throws up a hand to protect his face and catches the knife by the blade It cuts his hand.
BILL. Ow!
JAMES. Well caught! What's the matter?
He examines BILL'S hand.
Let's have a look. Ah yes. Now you've got a scar on your hand. You didn't have one before, did you?
HARRY comes into the room.
HARRY (entering). What have you done, nipped your hand? Let's have a look. (To JAMES.) Only a little nip, isn't it? It's his own fault for not ducking. I must have told him dozens of times, you know, that if someone throws a knife at you the silliest thing you can do is to catch it. You're bound to hurt yourself, unless it's made of rubber. The safest thing to do is duck. You're Mr. Horne?
JAMES. That's right.
HARRY. I'm so glad to meet you. My name's Harry Kane. Bill been looking after you all right? I asked him to see that you stayed until I got back. So glad you could spare the time. What are we drinking? Whisky? Let's fill you up. You and your wife run that little boutique down the road, don't you? Funny we've never met, living so close, all in the same trade, eh? Here you are. Got one, Bill? Where's your glass? This one? Here … you are. Oh, stop rubbing your hand, for goodness' sake. It's only a cheese knife. Well, Mr. Horne, all the very best. Here's wishing us all health, happiness and prosperity in the time to come, not forgetting your wife, of course. Healthy minds in healthy bodies. Cheers.
They drink.
By the way, I've just seen your wife. What a beautiful kitten she has. You should see it, Bill; it's all white. We had a very pleasant chat, your wife and I. Listen … old chap … can I be quite blunt with you?
JAMES. Of course.
HARRY. Your wife… you see … made a little tiny confession to me. I think I can use that word.
Pause.
BILL is sucking his hand.
What she confessed was … that she'd made the whole thing up. She'd made the whole damn thing up. For some odd reason of her own. They never met, you see, Bill and your wife; they never even spoke. This is what Bill says, and this is now what your wife admits. They had nothing whatever to do with each other; they don't know each other. Women are very strange. But I suppose you know more about that than I do; she's your wife. If I were you I'd go home and knock her over the head with a saucepan and tell her not to make up such stories again.
Pause.
JAMES. She made the whole thing up, eh?
HARRY. I'm afraid she did.
JAMES. I see. Well, thanks very much for telling me.
HARRY. I thought it would be clearer for you, coming from someone completely outside the whole matter.
JAMES. Yes. Thank you.
HARRY. Isn't that so, Bill?
BILL. Oh, quite so. I don't even know the woman. Wouldn't know her if I saw her. Pure fantasy.
JAMES. How's your hand?
BILL. Not bad.
JAMES. Isn't it strange that you confirmed the whole of her story?
BILL. It amused me to do so.
JAMES. Oh?
BILL. Yes. You amused me. You wanted me to confirm it. It amused me to do so.
Pause.
HARRY. Bill's a slum boy, you see, he's got a slum sense of humour. That's why I never take him along with me to parties. Because he's got a slum mind. I have nothing against slum minds per se, you understand, nothing at all. There's a certain kind of slum mind which is perfectly all right in a slum, but when this kind of slum mind gets out of the slum it sometimes persists, you see, it rots everything. That's what Bill is. There's something faintly putrid about him, don't you find? Like a slug. There's nothing wrong with slugs in their place, but he's a slum slug; there's nothing wrong with slum slugs in their place, but this one won't keep his place – he crawls all over the walls of nice houses, leaving slime, don't you, boy? He confirms stupid sordid little stories just to amuse himself, while everyone else has to run round in circles to get to the root of the matter and smooth the whole thing out. All he can do is sit and suck his bloody hand and decompose like the filthy putrid slum slug he is. What about another whisky, Horne?
JAMES. No, I think I must be off now. Well, I'm glad to hear that nothing did happen. Great relief to me.
HARRY. It must be.
JAMES. My wife's not been very well lately, actually. Overwork.
HARRY. That's bad. Still, you know what it's like in our business.
JAMES. Best thing to do is take her on a long holiday, I think.
HARRY. South of France.
JAMES. The Isles of Greece.
HARRY. Sun's essential, of course.
JAMES. I know. Bermuda.
HARRY. Perfect.
JAMES. Well, thanks very much, Mr. Kane, for clearing my mind. I don't think I'll mention it when I get home. Take her out for a drink or something. Forget all about it.
HARRY. Better hurry up. It's nearly closing time.
JAMES moves to BILL, who is sitting.
JAMES. I'm very sorry I cut your hand. You're lucky you caught it, of course. Otherwise it might have cut your mouth. Still, it's not too bad, is it?
Pause.
Look … I really think I ought to apologize for this silly story my wife made up. The fault is really all hers, and mine, for believing her. You're not to blame for taking it as you did. The whole thing must have been an impossible burden for you. What do you say we shake hands, as a testimony of my goodwill?
JAMES extends his hand. BILL rubs his hand but does not extend it.
HARRY. Come on, Billy, I think we've had enough of this stupidity, don't you?
Pause.
BILL. I'll … tell you … the truth.
HARRY. Oh, for God's sake, don't be ridiculous. Come on, Mr. Horne, off you go now, back to your wife, old boy, leave this … tyke to me.
JAMES does not move. He looks down at BILL.
Come on, Jimmy, I think we've had enough of this stupidity don't you?
JAMES looks at him sharply.
HARRY stops still.
BILL. I never touched her … we sat … in the lounge, on a sofa … for two hours … talked … we talked about it … we didn't… move from the lounge … never went to her room … just talked … about what we would do … if we did get to her room … two hours … we never touched … we just talked about it …
Long silence.
JAMES leaves the house.
HARRY sits. BILL remains sitting sucking his hand.
Silence.
Fade house to half light.
Fade up full on flat.
STELLA is lying with the kitten.
The flat door closes. JAMES comes in. He stands looking at her.
JAMES. You didn't do anything, did you?
Pause.
He wasn't in your room. You just talked about it, in the lounge.
Pause.
That's the truth, isn't it?
Pause.
You just sat and talked about what you would do if you went to your room. That's what you did.
Pause.
Didn't you?
Pause.
That's the truth … isn't it?
STELLA looks at him, neither confirming nor denying. Her face is friendly, sympathetic.
Fade flat to half light.
The four figures are still, in the half light.
Fade to blackout.
Curtain
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