It's particularly painful when he brings up the subject in December right about the time I am in a slight panic about not having finished my shopping. He starts a line of questioning as if he were one of the interrogators in CSI Memphis. "Have you thought about your budget?" "Are you over buying?" The subject makes me want to hide under the covers until he leaves the room. I usually break out in a cold sweat! I suddenly have to go from "Mom Mode" to "Money Manager Mode" and that was not a part of my original job description.
During the holidays, if you're like me, you rush around like a crazy person who has a deadline to beat, grabbing this and that, waiting in line for a store to open at 4:00 am in the pitch dark to get a particular item at a greatly reduced price. All this hustle and bustle is an attempt to bring a little merry and joy to those dearest to us. Then comes January, and boy, do I feel awful when I look at those credit card statements! I start to question my actions. Did anyone actually receive the perfect gift?
Francis Flynn, an Organizational Behavior professor at Stanford University did a study on gift giving and receiving. His research revealed that even with all our searching for that perfect gift and investing a good sum of money and time in the process, the gifts are much less appreciated than we hoped. The study determined that if we had simply given the receiver something they had specifically requested, instead of something we think they might like, the recipient is much more appreciative. In the words of my son SJ, "It's a swing and a miss." Talk about a buzz killer—spending all that time and money and worry to find that "perfect gift" and it is not even liked.
I remember when I was a child and the Sears catalog would arrive right before the holidays, and I would go through and circle everything I wanted for Christmas. It had all the presents I could ever want all in one place. Every year my father would say, "Did you leave anything for anyone else?" I would always have a split second of guilt… but it quickly passed.
Gift giving during the holidays can be much like trying to narrow down your choices from the Sears catalog. We all know the drill: make a list with everyone's name on it and what you think they want, then ask the loved ones to be more specific and add to the list. Over the years, a typical comment from one of our three kids during the Christmas holiday was always, "I really need this for Christmas." Then my husband or I would respond, "You might want it, but you certainly don't need it." So many of us honestly don't need anything for Christmas. Still, I want to be able to give my kids at least some of the things they want, and I find it very tricky not to go out and splurge on getting whatever it is they think they can't live without.
But the holidays do not have to be about running up credit card bills, worrying about breaking the budget or creating added pressure. There are many kinds of gifts that don't cost any money at all, what I like to call "non-traditional" giving.
Non-traditional giving options include gifts of service which require more time than money. Gifts such as babysitting for a young couple so they can go out on a date or volunteering to clean at the homeless shelter can make a bigger difference than a purchased item. Other gifts of service that come to my mind are oil changes, haircuts, dry cleaning, lawn service, a gym membership, offering to play cleaning lady for a day. Still another idea is to gather a group of friends and, instead of exchanging gifts with each other, sponsor a family in need. These are some of the most appreciated gifts of all, because they fulfill genuine needs.
As strange as it might sound, I think we should also keep in mind that sometimes being overly generous can embarrass others. I can remember a time, prior to my father's passing, when my brother and I pooled our funds and purchased a new television for him. He just kept saying, "You should not have done this." He carried on with this for a while, to the point where I actually felt a little uncomfortable since I could see we had made him uncomfortable. It was as if he felt he had to compete with our generosity. I kept this in mind years later when I received a gift from a hotel manager. When I was checking into the hotel, I found myself helping solve a crisis in the lobby. The hotel manager sent an overly generous gift to my room expressing his gratitude for my assistance. I wanted to thank him for his generosity, but my return thanks did not require me to give him a gift, which might have been seen as competing with his gift. All that was required was my thanks to him for this kindness.
Often times I think we give gifts out of habit. My neighbor and I exchanged gifts for years. From her I received candles of every fragrance imaginable and picture frames in every size. Finally one year we said, "Let's pool our money and buy a gift for our mailman." This brought us both great joy so we've done it every year since. In addition to our mailman, I now try to remember others who provide me with services throughout the year—trash collectors, baby sitters, local waitresses, our children's teachers—and give them some token of appreciation.
The idea of giving someone a gift is an act of kindness. It expresses "I think you are special and I appreciate you." It is a token of love and gratitude. We often correlate one's value with the amount of money spent on a gift—the more we spend, the more that person's value. But we all know that is not accurate. Not all gift giving has to cost a lot of money or even be wrapped in beautiful paper. Nobody said a gift has to fit neatly into a shirt box.
As far as staying within a budget, according to Consumer Reports, millions of people are still paying off their gift purchases from the year before. Those bills for gifts people didn't even really like! This doesn't mean we should cease the purchasing of gifts, but I do think we should all step back, take a deep breath and do as Santa does: check that list twice. As much as I dislike it, I know I need to make a budget and not stray far from it. I try to envision January 10 when I'm paying that credit card bill. Was the gift that meaningful? Is it still bringing joy and everlasting happiness to that person? Probably not… so why not stay within my means.
We can give gifts of service; we can keep our gifts local; we can give gifts of love. The act of giving is so much more important than the actual gift, especially when the gifts we give provide meaningful assistance to those in need or touch someone's life directly.
The best gifts are still the ones that won't ever show up on your credit card bill… the blessings of love, health, success, peace on Earth and goodwill towards all men.
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